La page du cochon !

Dear Darling Son and that person you Married,

Happy New Year and please don't worry. I'm just fine considering I can't breathe or eat. The important thing is that you have a nice holiday, thousands of miles away from your Mother.

I've sent along my last ten dollars in this card, which I hope you'll spend on my grandchildren, God knows their Mother never buys them anything nice. They look so thin in their pictures, poor babies.

Thank you so much for the birthday flowers, dear boy, I put them in the freezer so they'll stay fresh for my grave.

Well, son, it's time for me to crawl off to bed now, I lost my cane beating off muggers last week, but don't you worry about me.

I'm also getting used to the cold since they turned my heat off and I'm grateful because the frost on my bed numbs the constant pain.

Now, don't you even think about sending any more money, because I know you need it for those expensive family vacations you take every year.

Give my love to my darling grandbabies and my regards to whatever-her-name-is,the one with the black roots in her hair who stole you screaming from my bosom.

L'Shana Tova,

Your Mama

A Jewish grandma and her grandson are at the beach. He's playing in the water, she is standing on the shore not wanting to get her feet wet, when all of a sudden, a huge wave appears from nowhere and crashes directly onto the spot where the boy is wading. The water recedes and the boy is no longer there, he was swept away.

The grandma holds her hands to the sky, screams and cries: " Lord, how could you ? Haven't I been a wonderful grandmother ? Haven't I been a wonderful mother ? Haven't I kept a kosher home ? Haven't I given to the B'nai B'rith ? Haven't I lit candles every Friday night ? Haven't I tried my very best to live a life that you would be proud of ? "

A voice booms from the sky: "All right already !"

A few minutes later another huge wave appears out of nowhere and crashes on the beach. As the water recedes, the boy is standing there. He is smiling and splashing around as if nothing had ever happened.

The voice booms again. "I have returned your grandson. Are you satisfied ?"

She responds: "He had a hat !"

After numerous rounds of "We don't even know if Saddam is still alive", Saddam decided to send George W. a letter in his own writing to let his friend know that he is still in the game.

Bush opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message: 370HSSV-0773H

George W. couldn't figure it out so he typed it in and emailed Colin Powell. Colin and his aids had no clue either so they sent it to the CIA. No one could solve it so it went to the NSA and then to MIT and NASA and the cc list got longer and longer.

Eventually it arrived at the Fed. Dr. Greenspan looked at it and replied the next second: "Perhaps the President would wish to look at the message up-side-down...."

A 6-year-old and a 4-year-old are upstairs in their bedroom.

"You know what?" says the 6-year-old. "I think it's about time we start cussing."

The 4-year-old nods his head in approval. The 6-year-old continues. "When we go downstairs for breakfast I'm gonna say "hell," and you say "ass." "OK ! " The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. Their mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6-year-old what he wants for breakfast.

"Aw hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios."

WHACK ! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear every step. The mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can just stay there till I let you out !"

She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4-year-old, and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast young man ?"

"I don't know," he blubbers, "But you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios."

Why are there no phone books in China ? Because there are so many Wing's and Wong's, they are afraid you will Wing the Wong number.

There were 11 people hanging onto a rope that came down from a helicopter. Ten were men and one woman. The rope was starting to fray so they all agreed that one person should let go because if they didn't the rope would break and everyone would die. No one could decide who should go so finally the woman gave a real touching speech saying how she would give up her life to save theirs, because women were used to giving up things for their husbands and children, giving in to men, and that after all men were the superior sex and must be saved. When she finished speaking, all the men clapped.

Never under estimate the power of a woman !

This guy was lonely and so he decided life would be more fun if he had pet. So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came  in a little white box to use for his house. He took the box back home and found  a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new  pet to the bar to have a drink. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would  you like to go to Frank's with me and have a beer?"  

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to the bar and having a drink with me?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him  one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to Frank's place and have a drink with me ?

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my fucking shoes."

So I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for about 5 minutes and when I came out there was a @#$%&% motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how about giving a guy a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!! So I called him a sheep abusing,  horse humping Bozo. He finished the second ticket and put it
on the  car with the first.

Then he started writing a third ticket!! This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote. I really didn't give a crap but you should have seen his face when I crossed the street, got into my car and drove away...

If you bought $1,000.00 worth of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00. And, if you bought $1,000.00 worth of Worldcom at $16 dollars a share 1 year ago, it would now be worth $5.63. Forget ENRON, it does not compute. Anyhow, that's a total of $54.63.

However, if you bought $1,000.00 worth of Bud Lite or Miller Lite (the beer, not the stock) @ $11.99 per case one year ago (83.4 cases) and drank all the beer, and traded in the cans for the 5 cents deposit per aluminum  can, you would have $100.

Therefore, I suggest that it is financially prudent in these troubled times to DRINK HEAVILY AND RECYCLE.

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.

The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5 minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her  body all over with butter. We then made passionate  love and she screamed for 15 minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made love, and she screamed for 6 hours." 

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. 

They replied, "What could you have  possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men or women were more trustworthy.

Who understands men ?

1. The nice men are ugly.
2. The handsome men are not nice.
3. The handsome and nice men are gay.
4. The handsome, nice and heterosexual men are married.
5. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men, have no money.
6. The men who are not so handsome, but are nice men with money think we are only after their money.
7. The handsome men without money are after our money.
8. The handsome men, who are not so nice and somewhat heterosexual, don't think we are beautiful enough.
9. The men who think we are beautiful, that are heterosexual, somewhat nice and have money, are cowards.
10.The men who are somewhat handsome, somewhat nice and have some money and thank God are heterosexual, are shy and NEVER MAKE THE FIRST MOVE!!!!
11.The men who never make the first move, automatically lose interest in us when we take the initiative....

NOW ....WHO THE HELL UNDERSTANDS MEN?

Men are like a fine wine. They all start out like grapes, and it's our job to stomp on them and keep them in the dark until they mature into something you'd like to have dinner with.

IN PRISON.....You spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON.....You get three meals a day.
AT WORK.....You only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON.....You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....You get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON.....A guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK....You must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON.....You can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....You get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON.....You get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....You have to share.

IN PRISON.....They allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....You cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON.....All expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK.....You get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON.....There are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK.....They are called supervisors.

IN PRISON.....You spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Some crazy instructions and recommendations:

We would like to inform you that, due to the introduction of the EURO, from January 2002 the Kamasutra position usually known as 'the 69' will now be known as 'the 87.61'.

Best Regards

The Euro Changeover Board

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says  : "Please come over here and help me. I have this killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."
Her boyfriend asks  : "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says  : "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then looks at her, looks at the pieces once again and then slowly turns to her and says : "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger. Second, let's just relax, have a cup of coffee, and then ... we'll put all these Frosted Flakes back in the box."

When Apollo Mission Astronaut Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he not only gave his famous “one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind” statement but followed it by several remarks, usual common traffic between him, the other astronauts and Mission Control.  Just before he re-entered the lander, however, he made the enigmatic remark, “Good luck Mr. Gorsky.” 

Many people at NASA thought it was a casual remark concerning some rival Soviet Cosmonaut.  However, upon checking, there was no Gorsky in either the Russian or American space programs. 

Over the years many people questioned Armstrong as to what the “Good luck Mr. Gorsky” statement meant, but Armstrong always just smiled. 

On 05 July 1995, in Tampa Bay, FL, while answering questions following a speech, a reporter brought up the 26-year-old question to Armstrong.  This time he finally responded.  Mr. Gorsky had finally died and so Neil Armstrong felt he could answer the question. 

When he was a kid, he was playing baseball with a friend in the backyard.  His friend hit a fly ball, which landed in the front of his neighbor’s bedroom window.  His neighbors were Mr. and Mrs. Gorsky.  As he leaned down to pick up the ball, young Armstrong heard Mrs. Gorsky shouting at Mr. Gorsky, “Sex, you want sex!  You’ll get sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!”

Recent archeological discoveries by Russian scientist, in Moscow, showed that at a depth 100 meters, copper cables were found that were aged a 1.000 years. They concluded that their Russian ancestors already had inter-local telephony network a 1000 years ago.

In the race of the scientific discoveries, the Americans did a even more amazing discovery. American Archeologists discovered at 200 meters glass fibers, of 2000 years old. This proofs that American ancestors, had around the time of JC, an advanced digital-telephone network in their possession, and this  1000 years before the Russians.

A week later, Belgium published a report, with the following: After archeological digging of Belgian Scientists in Diegem (Pegasus Square), they didn't find anything, even digging to a depth of 500 meters. This clearly proves that 5000 years ago, every Belgian was already in possession of a mobile phone.

A Blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him, "I've kidnapped you."

She then wrote a note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the North side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde."

The Blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning the Blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The Blonde opened up the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow Blonde?"

5 surgeons are taking a coffee break.

1st surgeon says: "Accountants are the best to operate on because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered."

2d surgeon says: "Nah, librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order."

3rd responds: "Try electricians man! Everything inside THEM is color coded."

4th intercedes: "I like engineers . . . they always understand when you have a few parts left over at the end."

To which the 5th surgeon, who has been quietly listening to te conversation, says: "You're all wrong. Lawyers are the easiest. There's no guts, no heart, no spine and their head and butt are interchangeable."

Several folks have asked ..so what is cricket ? Here is the answer:

You have two sides, one out in the field and one in. Each man that's in the side that's in goes out, and when he's out he comes in and the next man goes in until he's out. When they are all out, the side that's out comes in and the side that's been in goes out and tries to get those coming in, out. Sometimes you get men still in and not out.
When a man goes out to go in, the men who are out try to get him out, and when he is out he goes in and the next man in goes out and goes in. There are two men called umpires who stay all out all the time and they decide when the men who are in are out. When both sides have been in and all the men have out, and both sides have been out twice after all the men have been in, including those who are not out, that is the end of the game!

The pretty young lady was having a tooth pulled. The dentist gave her the usual "This won't hurt a bit" routine before bending over her with a drill in his hand. He immediately drew back in complete alarm. "Miss," he said in a barely audible whisper, "You have hold of my testicles!"

"Yes, doc, I know," she smiled, "and we aren't going to hurt each other, are we?"

A blonde is out for a walk. She comes to a river which blocks her path. Seeing another blonde on the opposite bank, she shouts: "Yoo-hoo! How can I get to the other side?"

The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, "You 'are' on the other side."

TOP 10 REASONS...

... FOR BEING DUTCH

1. You can get arrested for growing plants, but not for smoking them.
2. You can make jokes about the Belgians and still drink their beer.
3. a. You can legally kill yourself and b. You can legally be killed
4. You're exactly like the Germans, except that nobody hates you.
5. You think you are a world power, but everyone else thinks Copenhagen is your capital.....
6. You get to insult people and defend yourself by saying it's a national tradition.
7. You can put your finger in a dyke and it will save your country
8. You live in the most densely populated country in Europe, and still you've never seen your neighbors.
9. If the economy is bad, blame the Germans. If a war is started, blame the Germans. If you lose your keys, blame the Germans.
10. Bikes are public property. Locks are a challenge.

... FOR BEING AMERICAN

1. You can have a woman president without electing her.
2. You can spell color wrong and get away with it.
3. You can call Budweiser beer.
4. You can be a crook and still be president.
5. If you've got enough money you can get elected to do anything.
6. If you can breathe you can get a gun.
7. It's cool to be really obese.
8. You can play golf in the most hideous clothes ever made and nobody seems to care.
9. Pitch up at the 11th hour for major World conflicts.
10. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called baseball.

... FOR BEING BELGIAN

1. You get to speak three languages, but none of them intelligibly.
2. If other countries want to fight a war, they will do it in your country.
3. You can brew drinks out of fruit, and still call it beer.
4. You are either
5. 4.a. like the Dutch, just less efficient
6. 4.b. like the French, just less romantic
7. 4.c. like the Germans
8. Decent fries. Real mayonnaise. Great chocolate. The best beer.
9. No one knows anything about you, except for the Dutch and French and they make fun of you.
10. More scandals in a week than any other country in a decade.
11. You can drive like a maniac on the road and nobody cares
12. All your famous countrymen are either imaginary, or sex-offenders

Face it. It's not really a country, is it?

... FOR BEING FRENCH

1. When speaking fast you can make yourself sound gay.
2. Experience the joy of winning the World Cup for the first time
3. You get to eat insect food like snails and frog's legs.
4. If there's a war you can surrender really early.
5. You don't have to read the subtitles on those late night films on Channel
6. You can test your own nuclear weapons in other people's countries.
7. You can be ugly and still become a famous film star.
8. Allow Germans to march up and down your most famous street humiliating your sense of national pride.
9. You don't have to bother with toilets, just shit in the street.
10. People think you're a great lover even when you're not.

... FOR BEING NORWEGIAN

1. You get to pay the highest taxes in the world.
2. You can kill baby seals and eat Rudolf the Reindeer.
3. You live in total freezing darkness half the year and get 24 hour ozone-hole radiation the other half.
4. You can get capital punishment for smoking dope.
5. You can go skiing in your knickers.
6. You get to hate the Swedes and beat the Brazilians in football.
7. You have to be a woman to get anywhere.
8. You don't need to worry about land prices rocketing - its fairly spacious.
9. When abroad you can impress people you meet with stories about killing polar bears and shagging penguins - and they believe you.
10. You can actually get bored with blondes.

... FOR BEING ENGLISH

1. Two World Wars and One World Cup.
2. Warm beer.
3. You get to play/watch glorified rounders called cricket.
4. You get to accept defeat very graciously in major sporting events.
5. Union jack underpants.
6. Water shortages guaranteed every single summer & flooding inWinter.
7. You can live in the past and imagine you are still a world power.
8. Bathing once a week - whether you need to or not.
9. Ditto changing underwear.
10. Beats being Welsh.

... FOR BEING SCOTTISH

1. You ain't English!
2. You ain't English!
3. You ain't English!
4. You ain't English!
5. You ain't English!
6. You ain't English!
7. You ain't English!
8. You ain't English!
9. You ain't English!
10. You ain't English!

... FOR BEING ITALIAN

1. In-depth knowledge of bizarre pasta shapes.
2. Unembarrassed to wear fur.
3. No need to worry about tax returns.
4. Glorious military history prior to 400BC.
5. Can wear sunglasses inside.
6. Political stability.
7. Flexible working hours.
8. Live near the Pope.
9. Can spend hours braiding girlfriend's armpit hair.
10. Country run by Sicilian murderers.

... FOR BEING SPANISH

1. Glorious history of killing South American tribes.
2. The rest of Europe thinks Africa begins at the Pyrenees.
3. You get your beaches invaded by Germans, Danes, Brits, etc.
4. The rest of your country is already invaded by Moroccans.
5. Everybody else makes crap paella and claims it's the real thing.
6. Honesty.
7. Only sure way of bedding a woman is to dress up in stupid, tight clothes and risk your life in front of bulls.
8. You get to eat bull's testicles.
9. Gibraltar.
10. Supported Argentina in Falklands War.

... FOR BEING GERMAN

Okay, give them a second chance

1. Oktoberfest.
2. Oktoberfest-beer.
3. BMW.
4. VW.
5. Audi.
6. Mercedes.
7. On a highway you can travel at a speed that would bring you to jail in any other country of the world.
8. You do not have to learn German as a foreign language.
9. You think Sauerkraut is delicious.
10. Contrary to common belief laughing is not forbidden by law (yet).

... FOR BEING INDIAN

1. Chicken Madras.
2. Lamb Passanda.
3. Onion Bhaji.
4. Bombay Potato.
5. Chicken Tikka Masala.
6. Rogan Josh.
7. Popadoms.
8. Chicken Dopiaza.
9. Kingfisher lager.
10. Aggravate everyone else by shaking your head when talking.

... FOR BEING WELSH

You've got to be having a laugh, haven't you?

... FOR BEING IRISH

1. Guinness.
2. 18 children because you can't use contraceptives.
3. You can get into a fight just by marching down someone's road.
4. Pubs never close.
5. Can use Papal edicts on contraception passed in second Vatican Council of 1968 to persuade your girlfriend that you can't have sex with a condom on.
6. No one can ever remember the night before.
7. Kill people you don't agree with.
8. Stew.
9. More Guinness.
10. Eating stew and drinking Guinness in an Irish pub at 3 in the morning after a bout of sectarian violence.

... FOR BEING CANADIAN

1. It beats being an American.
2. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
3. You can play ice hockey 12 months a year, outdoors.
4. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
5. Where else can you travel 1000 miles over fresh water in a canoe?
6. A political leader can admit to smoking pot and his/her popularity ratings will rise.
7. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.
8. Kill Grizzly bears with huge shotguns and cover your house in their skins.
9. Own-an-Eskimo scheme.
10. Only country to successfully invade the US and burn its capital to the ground.

... FOR BEING AUSTRALIAN

1. Know your great-grand-dad was a murdering bar steward that no civilized nation on earth wanted.
2. Fosters Lager.
3. Dispossess Aborigines who have lived in your country for 40,000 years because you think it belongs to you.
4. Cricket captain not afraid to cry live on TV.
5. Tact and sensitivity.
6. Bondi Beach.
7. Other beaches.
8. Liberated attitude to homosexuals.
9. Drinking cold lager on the beach.
10. Having a bit of a swim and then drink some cold lager on the beach.

... FOR BEING GREEK

1. You get to shout about your culture although the only real culture most Greeks have is what is growing between their toes.
2. The police are even more corrupt than the criminals they are supposed to be chasing.
3. You can blow your nose in the street by pinching it between the thumb and forefinger and trumpeting forth without everyone around wretching their stomach contents up at the sight.
4. Old women can sport moustaches.
5. Young women can sport moustaches.
6. Men can be hairier than the average grizzly bear and not get put in a zoo.
7. You get to call the bouzouki a musical instrument when the rest of the world sees it as an instrument of torture.
8. You are the only nation to have lost its marbles and still wants to let everyone else around the world know about it.
9. Ridiculous bureaucracy.
10. Nana Mouskouri and Demis Roussos.

Computers are like air conditioners: they stop working properly once you open windows.

A guy sticks his head into a barber shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut ?" The barber looks around the shop and says "About 2 hours." The guy leaves.

A few days later the same guy sticks his head in the door and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut ?" The barber looks around at shop full of customers and says, "About 3 hours." The guy leaves.

A week later the same guy sticks his head in the shop and asks, "How long before I can get a haircut ?" The barber looks around the shop and says, "About an hour and half." The guy leaves.

The barber looks over at a friend in the shop and says, "Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then doesn't come back." A little while later, Bill comes back into the shop, laughing hysterically The barber asks, "Bill, where did he go when he left here?" Bill looks with tears in his eyes and says, "Your house !"

A couple went on vacation to a fishing resort up north. The husband liked to fish at the crack of dawn. The wife liked to read. One morning the husband returned after several hours of fishing and decided to take a short nap. Although she wasn't familiar with the lake, the wife decided to take the boat. She rowed out a short distance, anchored, and returned to reading her book. Along came the sheriff in his boat.

He pulled up alongside her and said, "Good morning Ma'am. What are you doing ?"

"Reading my book," she replied...as she thought to herself, "isn't it obvious ?"

"You're in a restricted fishing area", he informed her.

"But officer, I'm not fishing, can't you see that ?", she said.

"Yes, but you have all the equipment. I'll have to take you in and write you up." replied the sheriff.

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with rape !" snapped the irritated woman.

"But I haven't even touched you." groused the sheriff.

"Yes, that's true", she replied, "but you do have all the equipment."

M

A secretary, an associate, and a manager are walking through a park on their way to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a genie comes out in a puff of smoke.

The Genie says, "I usually grant only three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one."

"Me first! Me first!" says the secretary. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world!" Poof! She's gone.

In astonishment, "Me next! me next!" says the associate, "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseur, an endless supply of pina coladas and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone.

"You're next," says the Genie to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."

After a long night of making love, the young guy rolled over, pulled out a cigarette from his jeans and searched for his lighter. Unable to find it, he asked the girl if she had one at hand. "There might be some matches in the top drawer," she replied.

He opened the drawer of the bedside table and found a box of matches setting neatly on top of a framed picture of another man.

Naturally, the guy began to worry. "Is this your husband?" he inquired nervously.

"No, silly," she replied, snuggling up to him.

"Your boyfriend then?" he asked. "No, not at all," she said, nibbling away at his ear.

"Well, who is he then?" demanded the bewildered guy.

Calmly, the girl replied, "That's me before the operation."

The story happens in a plane. Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry ... we can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry ... we still have one engine left." 

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

A guy spotted a nice looking girl in a bar, went over to her and started the small talk.

Seeing that she didn't back off he asked her name. "Carmen," she replied.

That's a nice name," he said warming up the conversation, "Who named you, your mother?" "No, I named myself," she answered.

"Oh, that's interesting. Why Carmen?"

"Because I like cars, and I like men!!!!" she said looking directly into his eyes. "What's your name?"

"Beerfuck."

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood and parked himself on the cave's roof to get some sleep.  Soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it.  He told them to shut up and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in.

"OK, follow me."

He flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him.  Down through a valley they went, across a river and into a forest of trees.  Finally he slowed down and all the other bats excitedly milled around him.

"Do you see that tree over there ?"

"YES, YES, YES !" the bats all screamed in a frenzy.

"Well, I didn't !"

An optimist sees the best in the world, while a pessimist sees only the worst. An optimist finds the positive in the negative, and a pessimist can only find the negative in the positive.

For example, an avid duck hunter was in the market for a new bird dog. His search ended when he found a dog that could actually walk on water to retrieve a duck. Shocked by his find, he was sure none of his friends would ever believe him.

He decided to try to break the news to a friend of his, a pessimist by nature, and invited him to hunt with him and his new dog.

As they waited by the shore, a flock of ducks flew by; they fired, and a duck fell. The dog responded and jumped into the water. The dog, however, did not sink but instead walked across the water to retrieve the bird, never getting more than his paws wet. This continued all day long; each time a duck fell, the dog walked across the surface of the water to retrieve it.

The pessimist watched carefully, saw everything, but did not say a single word.

On the drive home the hunter asked his friend, "Did you notice anything unusual about my new dog?" 

"I sure did," responded the pessimist. "He can't swim."

A group of girlfriends is on vacation when they see a 5-story hotel with a sign that reads: "For Women Only". Since they are without their boyfriends and husbands, they decide to go in. The Bouncer, a very attractive guy, explains to them how it works.

"We have 5 floors. Go up floor by floor, and once you find what you are looking for, you can stay there. It's easy to decide since each floor has a sign telling you what's inside."

So they start going up and on the first floor the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thin." The friends laugh and without hesitation move on to the next floor.

The sign on the second floor reads: "All the men here have it long and thin." Still, this isn't good enough so the friends continue on up.

They reach the third floor and the sign reads: "All the men here have it short and thick." They still want to do better, and so, knowing there are still two floors left, they continued on up.

On the fourth floor, the sign is perfect: "All the men here have it long and thick." The women get all excited and are going in when they realize that there is still one floor left. Wondering what they are missing, they head on up to the fifth floor.

There they find a sign that reads: "There are no men here. This floor was built only to prove that there is no way to please a woman."

The doctor took Dan into the room and said, "Dan, I have some good news and some bad news."

Dan said, "Give me the good news."

"They're going to name a disease after you."

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and have sex for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. The pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10 pack, or family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girls parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents. Come on in !" The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girls parents are seated.

The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still in deep prayer with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend finally leans over and whispers to the boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns and whispers back, "I had no idea your father was a pharmacist..."

Three guys, one Irish, one English, and one Scottish, are out walking along the beach together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops out of it.
"I will give you each one wish, that's three wishes in total", says the Genie.

The Irish guy says, "I am a fisherman, my Dad's a fisherman, his Dad Was a fisherman and my son will be one too. I want all the oceans full of fish for all eternity." So, with a blink of the Genie's eye "FOOM" the oceans were teaming with fish.

The Englishman was amazed, so he said, "I want a wall around England, protecting her, so that no one will get in for all eternity. Again, with a blink of the Genie's eye "POOF" there was a huge wall around England.

The Scotsman asks, "I'm very curious. Please tell me more about this wall."

The Genie explains, "well, it's about 150 feet high, 50 feet thick, protecting England so that nothing can get in or out."

The Scotsman says, "Fill it up with water."

This is the way to ask for an increase of salary: DIPLOMACY IN THE WORKPLACE.

One morning, a company manager discovered an unusual letter from one of his employees:

Dear Bo$$,

A$ all of u$ have read from the new$paper$, the $ingapore economy ha$ come out of the rece$$ion. In thi$ life, we all need $omething mo$t de$perately. I think you under$tand the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company. I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
$teven $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear Steven,

I kNOw you have been working very hard.  NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspapers are saying the world's leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential election things may turn bad. I have NOthing more to add NOw.  You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly,
NOrman Tan
Manager

Are blondes really the brains behind business deals????

A Blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she is going to Europe on business for two weeks  and needs to borrow $5000.
The bank officers says the bank will need some kind of security  for such a loan, so the Blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls  Royce, parked on the street, in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as  collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the Blonde returns, repays the $5000. And the interest which is $15.41. The loan officer says, "We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us, is why would you bother to borrow $5000. ?" 
Blonde replied, "Where else in New York, can I park my car for 2 weeks for $15.00?"

The big feast !

A passenger plane on a cross-country trip runs into a terrible storm. The plane gets pounded by rain, hail, wind and lightening. The passengers are screaming. They are sure the plane is going to crash, and they are all going to die. At the height of the storm, a young woman jumps up and exclaims, "I can't take this anymore! I can't just sit here and die like an animal, strapped into a chair. If I am going to die, let me die feeling like a woman. Is there anyone here man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

She sees a hand raise in the back, and a muscular man, tall and smiling, starts to walk up to her seat. As he approaches her, he takes off his shirt. She can see the man's muscles even in the poor lighting of the plane. He stands in front of her, shirt in hand, and says to her, "I can make you feel like a woman before you die. Are you interested?" She shakes her head yes. The man hands her his shirt and says, "Here. Iron this".

Drunk hails policeman to report his car has been stolen. The officer asks him where his car was the last time he saw it. The drunk holds out is car key and says, "Right at the end of this key."

About then, the police officer notices that the drunk's penis is hanging out of his pants and says to the man, "Did you know your penis is hanging out?"

The drunk looks down and says, "Oh no, they got my girlfriend, too."

The beautiful Executive Assistant to the president of the Chase Manhattan Bank goes on a sight-seeing tour with a very rich Taiwanese client.

The client out of the blue asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her. Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.

So, after a few minutes, the woman says to the man, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a 75 carat diamond ring, with a matching 200 carat diamond tiara." The Taiwanese man pauses for awhile. Then, he nods his head and says "No problem!! I buy. I buy." Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says to the man, "I want you to build me a 100 room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the best wine country in France." The man pauses for awhile. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, then he calls some brokers in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."  Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition.

She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a 12-inch penis." The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face with his hands andrests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese. Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman, "Okay, I cut, I cut."

Dear GOD,
   In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation?
Jane

Dear GOD,
  Are you really invisible or is that just a trick?
Lucy

Dear GOD,
  Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house?
Anita

Dear GOD,
   Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident?
Norma

Dear GOD,
   Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now?
Jane

Dear GOD,
   Who draws the lines around the countries?
Nan

Dear GOD,
   I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay?
Neil

Dear GOD,
   What does it mean You are a Jealous God?  I thought You had everything.
Jane

Dear GOD,
   Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother!
Darla

Dear GOD,
   Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy.
Joyce

Dear GOD,
   It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)

Dear GOD,
   Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest.
Tom L.

Dear GOD,
   Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up.
Bruce

Dear GOD,
   If You give me a genie lamp like Aladdin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set.
Raphael

Dear GOD,
   My brother is a rat.  You should give him a tail.  Ha ha.
Danny

Dear GOD,
   Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms.   It works with my brother.
Larry

Dear GOD,
   I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over.
Sam

Dear GOD,
   I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions.
Ruth M.

Dear GOD,
  I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it.
Nan

Dear GOD,
   If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes.
Mickey D.

Dear GOD,
   I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible.
Love, Chris

Dear GOD,
   We read Thomas Edison made light.  But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea.
Sincerely, Donna

Caress, praise, pamper, relish, savor, massage, make plans, fix, empathize, serenade, compliment, support, feed, tantalize, bathe, humor, placate, stimulate, jiffylube, stroke, console, purr, hug, coddle, excite, pacify, protect, phone, correspond, anticipate, nuzzle, smooch, toast, minister to, forgive,  sacrifice for, ply, accessorize, leave, return, beseech, sublimate, entertain, charm, lug, drag, crawl,  show equality for, spackle, oblige, fascinate, attend, implore, bawl, shower, shave, trust, rovel,  ignore, defend, coax, clothe, brag about, acquiesce, aromate, fuse, fizz, rationalize, detoxify, sanctify, help, acknowledge, polish, upgrade, spoil,  embrace, accept, butter-up, hear, understand, jitterbug, locomote, beg, plead, borrow, steal, climb, swim, nurse, resuscitate,  repair, patch, crazy-glue, respect, entertain, calm, allay, kill for, die for, dream of, promise, deliver, tease, flirt, commit, enlist, pine, cajole, angelicize, murmur, snuggle,  snoozle, snurfle, elevate, alleviate,  spot weld, serve, rub, rib, salve, bite, taste, nibble, gratify, take her places, scuttle like a crab on the ocean floor of her existence, diddle, doodle, hokey-pokey, hanky-panky, crystal blue persuade, flip, flop, fly, don't care if I die, swing, slip, slide, slather, mollycoddle, squeeze, moisturize, humidify, lather, tingle, slam-dunk, keep on rockin' in the free world, wet, slicken, undulate, gelatinize, brush, tingle, dribble, drip, dry, knead, fluff, fold, blue-coral wax, ingratiate, indulge, wow, dazzle, amaze, flabbergast, enchant, idolize and worship, and then go back, Jack, and do it again.

How To Keep A Man Happy ?

Show up naked.  Beer optional.

The fish burrial.

Little Tim was in the garden filling in a hole when his neighbor peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, 

"What are you up to there, Tim?"

"My goldfish died," replied Tim tearfully, without looking up, "and I've just buried him."   

 The neighbor was concerned, "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"  

Tim patted down the last heap of earth then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."